S is for Stripper
Monday, July 5, 2010 at 12:00AM I went to my first all male strip show last weekend. It was my homegirl C’s bachelorette party and we destroyed Los Angeles. Destroyed it.
The plan was to start the night by popping our male strip show cherries at Hollywood Men. I imagined Hollywood Men to be like one of those strip reviews like the Chippendales or Thunder Down Under. Except, from what I understand, the guys at HW Men are much better looking (it is Hollywood afterall, the land of the underwear model) and the show is much more pornographic.
I, like most women, always thought male strippers were pretty nasty. I imagined the least sexy thing a man could do was dance on stage while sporting a g-string and waving his schlong in my face.
I also imagined all male strippers to look like Fabio.
No gracias.
Well, well, well, I learned a thing or ten that night.
Quick backstory, after I graduated from college I worked in a strip club. (I know, another addition to my resume of absurdity.) It was the typical variety that only had female strippers. And no, I wasn’t one of them. I was a cocktail waitress.
Pinky swear.
Of course, my uniform did include heels, fishnets, and a g-string unitard, but that never came off. More on that insane experience some other time.
But one of the many things that I learned while working at The French Quarter Men’s Club was that men are not allowed to touch the strippers. Dudes must keep their hands to themselves or else there’s a bodyguard all up in their grills. If they go into the VIP room they have some leeway with a little grab and tickle, but for the most part, in every strip club I’ve been to, customers no touchy.
Not so at Hollywood Men. In fact, there appeared to be no rules, as hard as we worked to find them, and then break them. I suppose the only rule was don’t do anything (or have anything done to you) that you wouldn’t want your boyfriend to find a photo of.
Unlike a female strip club, the guys have choreographed dance routines, some solo, some in groups, and characters that they play. And to all of our surprise, they were actually great dancers.
Bravo! Bravo!
And they had quite compelling storylines such as, the best way to get rid of all the hot wax that’s been collecting from a burning candle is to dump it on your chest.
From the moment the first guy stepped on stage, dressed in a fireman’s uniform and jerking off his fireman’s ax (oh yeah, they went there) the audience (all women) went KUH-RAZY. I’m not talking, Barney’s is having a sale crazy, I’m talking Barney’s is giving away all their shit for free crazy. No, no, crazier than that: Barney’s is giving away everything for free, you get an hour massage from a male underwear model and you’ll lose 15 pounds type o’ crazy. The kind of crazy that only the subjugated half of the population can go.
I’m pretty sure I have permanent hearing damage from the screaming. And I may have torn my vocal chords from my own.
Oh, oh, oh, how could I forget—the waiters! The waiters look like this:
And this:
‘Nuff said.
I think all the ladies would agree that the best part of the show was when the Dippers (that’s a new word I just made up. dick + stripper = dipper) came out into the audience for lap dances.
My experience of lap dances are as follows:
1) Stripper approaches customer and asks if he would like a lap dance
2) Customer says yes and pays her said amount
3) Stripper performs said lap dance while customer’s hands are firmly planted by his side
4) The song ends and en fin lap dance
I was expecting a similar such transaction except instead of fake titties in my face, there would be a banana hammock. Actually, I wasn’t expecting anything in my face at all, because I wasn’t planning on having a lap dance. (I suppose there’s one thing in life I’m too prude for … alright, alright, it's cuz I'm too cheap.)
Little did I know that at Hollywood Men, you’re getting a lap dance (or 7) and that’s that. The Dippers come off the stage and decide (by picking you up and putting you in a chair, well okay then! oh my!) who they’ll be gyrating on. And I must say, we were quite the popular table.
Who doesn't like some dark chocolate?As for what I thought to be the universal “no touching” rule, apparently HW Men has a “must touch” rule … After one of our ladies’ lap dances, she looked up at us with JBF hair and said,
“I think I just got titty fucked. And I liked it.”
That’s sorta how the night went. One surprise after another.
"What? This old thing?"The best part (besides getting to ride the rollercoaster for free…) was getting to see all of these women, who live in a world where we’re not thin enough, sexy enough, pretty enough feel as though we were the hottest women in the world. Hollywood Men should be prescribed as therapy.
Even though the Dippers were being paid, my homegirls and I, who are critiqued everyday on our physical appearance, got to be worshipped by underwear models.
It felt good. It felt right, like making up for lost time. Like some deep, powerful place in us, that the world had tried to smother in feelings of inadequacy, had been reawakened. And we liked it. Viva la banana hammock!
Reader Comments (33)
All I can say is YUMMMM.....who knew male strip clubs were actually so good...sounds like an absolutely great time!
thanks for my morning laugh. i so needed it today! you rock.
I have a trip to LA in August. I now want to put "HM" on my "must see" places.
ps- when I saw "S is for Stripper," I automatically sang, "S is for Stripper" to the tune of "C is for Cookie" in my head. "....and Stripper is for me!"
I've worked as a stripper and I LOVED it. I moonlighted at a club in Memphis when I was in the Navy. I was pretty shy when I first started, but the ladies are so great, they totally give you confidence and help you to loosen up. After the first night, I couldn't wait to do it again. Never considered myself much of a dancer, but I had some moves. The tips were unbelieveable.
Viva La Banana Hammock! ;)
Great story, Buff!
Tim
I went to one of these on one of my twenty something birthdays, with a group of girlfriends. It had an entrance fee and then everything was free, including drinks. You've never seen anything till you've seen a roomful of ladies of all ages going CRAZY over some schlong. Only mine wasn't in Hollywood and the strippers did NOT look like yours. I remember one dude was about 50, about five three with a giant mustache and black leather cycling shorts which he tried to take off OVER MY HEAD. There' s photographic evidence somewhere... It was not pretty. But it does explain the free drinks. :)
HHH, I'm DYING RIGHT NOW!!! LOL, so happy we know what to do with hot wax now. Seriously, I've never seen all of us that happy EVER!!! :):) Hehe, okay, Ricky says hi!! Love you! :):)
ps- is it bad that I want to relive this night over, and over, and over again? Oh, and Tyrone says hi too.
Not Emily: Right?! Who knew! I sure didn't! But now I'm a believer.
E.B.: Ummmm, YES. It is a MUST on your itinerary!!!
Ed: That is so awesome, Ed! I bet you have some stories! Did you wear any costumes?
Tim: Haha! Thx, TC! You might want to consider investing in one... ;)
Veggie: Haaaaaa! That's a hilarious story!!! When you and I get together for drinks in the desert, I must see the pics.
Caroline: And over and over and over again!! I hope you're keeping Tyrone and Ricky in line...they get so naughty!
Hmmmmm.......VERY interesting....Must try this experience at some point.....
My only experience in a strip club was Crazy Girls on La Brea for my lesbian friend's birthday party. Besides the few celebrities that were with us, I coudln't really focus on anything because girls with their musky stripper perfume were all over us. I was so uncomfortable because I questioned their sexuality, some of these women HAD to be men. My friends had secretly paid this one 6 ft. chick named Millenium to give me a lap dance. I was frozen, I had tears forming in my eyes, I was FUHREAKING OUT. Her legs were wrapped around my head and I think I was in shock as her crotch was in my face and she was panting heavily in my ears. I think I tried to utter a courtesy giggle or a "you're taaalllented" but I really wanted to yell "wake me up, wake me up NOW!" Meanwhile my friends are crying they're laughing so hard because I looked like I had shit my pants and didn't want to let anyone know by trying to look cool while holding back tears.
Good times.
OH. MY. GOD. That video of Niko never gets old. And neither do those pics!!!! LOVED this piece, girl. Especially the fantastic end thoughts! :) Love ya!
Jules: Indeed. ASAP.
Boober: I've seen Millenium perform!!! She's ridiculous!!! Swear to god, best pole dance I've ever seen. And I've seen a pole dance in my day--wow, that chick is incredible! That's so funny that we've both have had Crazy Girls Millenium experiences! I didn't get her crotch in my face though. Clearly I must go back.
Rye: Never gets old right?! Thank you iPhone, best gift you've ever given us. ;) Love you!
Can I come with you next time?!
I'm clearly in the wrong business. Those guys have the greatest job ever. Oh, except for having to maintain those bodies. Does this mean that I can't have pizza and wings anymore?
Jenny12: Absolutely. Get your one dollar bills ready.
Jeff B: Yeah, I mean those guys clearly LOVE their job. And why wouldn't they? But I can't imagine how long they spend in the gym. And waxing and tanning. Yuck.
I am thoroughly impressed and intrigued (among other things). My only experience with a male stripper was at a private bachelorette party. And he did not look like ANY of the guys above. And he was short. Really short. By no means am I a prude, but I was kind of skieved out. I ended up going downstairs and watching the game with the bartender, who was hotter, by far, and I felt much better about giving him my ones for the conversation rather than the little sweaty dude upstairs. Did I mention it was about 7pm? 7pm was too early for a touchy, feely male stripper, thank you very much. Your experience, however... yes, please!
Great story! If I were to ever go to a male strip club, it would have to be that one. Who wants to waste her time at a sub par place with less than highly attractive males. It appears Hollywood is the place. It is interesting how otherwise responsible and civilized women will go crazy if bunched up together in a room with dozens of ripped male underwear models. Glad you had fun and an evening of feeling sexy. And, as always, thanks for sharing. You know we all live vicariously through you. At least those of us living in the more boring parts of the country.
Can I just say that I loved how you ended this story? There are only so many writers who could make a story about going to a male strip club really heartwarming. The last three paragraphs made it feel like a short story... and a really good one, at that!
The last picture didn't hurt, either. ;)
My only experience at an all-male strip club was in Montreal and not nearly as faux-european chic as one might imagine. There was no choreography and a lot of the guys were just really skinny. Not so hot.
I've been to Chippendales twice (of course), and my experience was exactly like your's -- the guys were hot and you could like, jump UP on them if you wanted -- but the best part was feeling all the fabulous, HAPPY feminine energy filling the place. I almost went all geek and wrote a paper on it.
But then I decided just to go see them again.
When I get to LA, can we go together???
BlondeGirl: Oh hell yeah, I'd pick a hot bartender any day over a short, dumpy stripper! Good choice!!
Jen: It is seriously crazy how nuts women can go when given an excuse. I was almost scared at first and then decided, fuck it, and just let myself go. It was such a rush! But I had NO voice the next day, haha.
Riff: Aww, thanks, Riff! That's so nice of you. :) And yeah, eww, no buens on the skinny strippers. This is fantasy time people--we don't want to see anything that we get in daily life!
J: Woohoo! I'm so glad that you've experienced this and feel the same! That's awesome! And YES, when you come to H'wood, we're going!
You post this AFTER I leave LA? The fuck?!? We're breaking up.
Elly: you clearly need to fly back here immediately.
LOVE THIS POST and I tried to put it on my FB earlier from my phone but didn't work obviously! GREAT message at the end and my other fave line: "The waiters look like this" hahhaha, and that AIN'T NO JOKE!!!